Reflections on (my) new year

As I look back on the past cycle – September to September – on this, my personal New Year, it is with a wearier – and warier – eye than I once had. It has been a year of movement. So much movement! There have been times when I could barely catch my breath for the activity. It was a year of possibilities and planting seeds. Projects, books, gardens. All things in process… But all that commotion fades to the small deaths that – I pray – make the soil more fertile.

Foolishly, perhaps, I prayed to learn unconditional love. And so my prayer was answered with a pain that left my heart bruised but more whole. I was answered by the poisoned darts of my words twisted into something unrecognizable and as far from their original utterance as words could ever fall. Yet always I heard the whisper: “You know who you are… hold Me as I hold you. Know your essence. I have you, daughter.” And so I learn (process, always in process) unconditional love. Through the gift of this war-not-of-my-choosing I came closer to my Essence and a portion of my naivety burned in one fiery night. “Trial by fire, kiddo.” And so, today, I mourn that loss with the understanding that I cannot keep my eyes closed. There is beauty in all things.

With that strange loss I also gained.  I gained a deeper trust with those around me based on eyes that well up naturally, tears that flow freely, the tremendous joys of shared discovery, cooperation rather than competition, and Soulful bonds forged not out of need but out of Service and possibility.  And so I forgive my younger self for SO many things in gratitude (and humility) for what is.

This year I found my thoughts on healing shifting rapidly. Studies in homeopathy refine my ways with oils, herbs, and massage. I’m learning to listen for the voice of the vital essence of each guest, translate the best I’m able, and refine my techniques to encourage its expression rather than “correct” or suppress its symptoms. And so I shift more and more to myofascial unwinding, orthobionomy, energy work that encourages the natural flow of Breath, movement techniques, and herbalism and aromatherapy to support rather than fix. I find myself wandering further from my allopathic (however holistic) training in all disciplines.

Ancestral healing has also moved in surprising ways. I feel the bloodlines of both my parents moving through me in more balanced and whole ways. I honor myself as both my (and The) mother’s and father’s daughter. Sky above opens with a fiery wind and Earth below supports and holds me close.

This year I dreamed things beautiful and terrible. I dreamed our Mother calling Her children to wake as Her voice gets louder. I dreamed the faces of those trusted with power disintegrating as fearsome darkness works their voices. I dreamed an unleashing of the destroyers. I dreamed the essence of a Star. I dreamed the birthing of a world. I dreamed our Father sweeping me into the Sky so that I may know his Love. Dream after dream after dream.

I am learning to allow the love between myself and another to transform as it transforms us. And so we become more whole as individuals within our nest. And while we lost one member of that nest, our beautiful Black Cat, we welcomed another. Lady Thorne of Argyle-Bargle reminds us to stop and purr while Aury and Elan hold space with their feline dignity and variable states of grace.

While researching my not-so-far-removed Amish heritage I creep closer to the position of conscientious objector. The futility of war threatens to break this world as it has broken so many of its people. I do not have the answers but the absurdity of violence to heal violence strikes hard. Why do we fight? Do we fight to defend ourselves against the darkness in others or in ourselves? I wonder if it is all projection. If I project my demons onto someone else (anyone else!) than I do not have to face them in myself. We can rain bombs on the face of our Mother for centuries (and have!) without bringing peace. Clearly the only war that will end all war is the one that ends us all. So how do we defend those who cannot defend themselves (or ourselves) without destroying them (or ourselves)? We are facing the collective Shadow of humanity. All I have now are questions and a journey.

Be Love and your heart heals
Be Joy and your Light sings
Be Peace and you will See

And so, this year, my prayer is for Peace. Peace in the lives of those close and far. Peace in the heart of humanity. Peace in the war-torn bodies and Souls of all children of the Creators. Father & Mother of the All, bless us, guide us, protect us, and may we hear your voices.

Be Peace,

H.

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Emotion as form

Emotion slows enough to form

Like water whose movements freeze into crystalized ice we take shape for a moment, seemingly contained, yet waves break again as we remember how it feels to feel

In a dream I wear the shape of a woman but my insides are the waves of a sea

Love nurtured vines

We tone ourselves to subtle ways of existence. Vibrations we send out strum against those who hear and set the scales in which we dream our harmonies. 

The strumming of a harp echoes off the face of a gray eyed sea, who coos into the tiny ear of a blue eyed infant. This song melts through the child’s heart to be cried back again to the tide.

We are ourselves yet of like substance with those tethers that hold us close. Love nurtured vines grow in moments of pause, scattered rhythmically within the always moving waves, to wrap their arms around us, whispering of promises already kept & reminding of the wholeness in which we dance.

A Fool’s Prayer

Why is there such an impulse to place more value on suffering than on joy? Is it truly nobler to carry tragedy on our backs than to laugh? Dance! I’m told. And with this dance lift the pieces of mourning (yes, of course there’s much to mourn) and spin them into something joyful.

The space of the Fool is a sacred one. A Fool’s prayer: May I feel boldly!

The Sea

Although the tides are always changing the Sea remains, in Truth, truly herself. Be as the sea, daughter, speak in Love and be free.

The ocean reminded me that my body rests on a living sphere of Love. The sand underneath my back is a cradle and the wind wraps mitten like around my fingers. Waves carry rhythms to my heart and the world dances while I lie still, for just a moment in space, quiet.

A Song

To remember our tones are most clear when sung from a place of Love.

It seems when we speak from our own pain the songs of others are too hard to hear and fall away as forgotten things, separate and alone.

In my heart I would see our fears, insecurities, old wounds, and terrors, melt as tears into our Mother’s hands.

I would see in my eyes demons transformed into children of Light and humanity remember her Beauty.

For me there is no longer a choice. Each breath is a commitment to this place, this world, this time, these children of our Mother. Each breath is a commitment to Love.

And so I breathe.